Today started out pretty well. I went for my first jog since June (before my bedrest began). I'm pathetically out of shape but that is expected after two months of laying on my butt followed by another month healing from surgery and finally, a third month of procrastinating. Bluebell, our Australian Shepherd, is thrilled to have me jogging again. Poor thing was out of work for four months and now has a mission again! After a whopping 30 minute jog (read: sarcasm) I practically crawled into the house and collapsed onto the floor to "stretch." Even so, it sure felt good to get out! Afterwards, we all got ready to head out for some morning errands. We stopped at Saxby's and I ordered my most favorite Cinnamon Tchai Tea Latte. Non-fat, of course. Then we went to Target for Halloween decorations and decided to get flu shots while we were there. (I was glad to see the flu shots because I thought everyone was already out!) We loaded up on candy and a super-cute squirrel costume for Bluebell. Solana's dressing as Little Bo Peep this year so we were really hoping for a sheep costume but no luck - the squirrel will have to do.
Things were going great until... Identical twin girls. You know, you'd think I was over it by now. Not the part about missing Leila, of course. I still think about her constantly. Every time I drive our new minivan that we bought when we found out about the twins. Every time I go into the garage and see the double stroller that Dave tried to hide in the back corner. Every time I look at the two closet doors in Solana's room that were going to be so perfect for the twins when we bought this house. And every time I visit Chloe and know that Leila would look just like her. It's the part about seeing other people's twins that I'd expect to be over by now. Those other people have nothing to do with us. Why does it bother me so much to see their twins? We saw them on the way out of the store and walked behind them on the way to the car. As I tried to hide my tears in the car all I could think was, "It's just not fair. Why do so many other people get to have perfectly healthy twin pregnancies? I swear I did everything I was supposed to do. I was probably more healthy, prepared, self-conscious, by-the-book ready for a healthy pregnancy than 95% of pregnant people out there dammit!" I feel kind of guilty. Like this is just ugliness that I can't let go of (and am subsequently sharing with all of you...please don't hate me now). Shoudn't I just be happy for all the identical twin parents who didn't suffer TTTS by now? On the one hand I know I should give myself a break but on the other hand I'm not the kind of person who's normally jealous of other people's happiness.
Okay, I just needed to get that off my chest. I feel kind of weird about putting that out there but maybe it'll help me... I certainly can't spend the rest of my life getting upset and then guilty every time I see twins...
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ReplyDeleteYou're feelings are normal angel face... I'd be worried if you didn't feel this way! Love you!
First of all, congrats on the run! I'm sure Bluebell had a blast and you must feel great! :o)
ReplyDeleteSecondly, you should NOT apologize for your feelings. I've actually had a few times where I thought those things for you when I've seen little identical twins. We know you're not saying that you wish other people bad experiences...Your frustration is completely understandable.
I'm happy you're finding so much therapy in writing. This isn't necessarily a time to censor yourself.
I love you, Cynthia!!
-Leticia-
After I had my first baby at 25 weeks, something burned in my body when I would see people that were big and pregnant. Especially when I thought they weren't taking the best care of the pregnancy. I asked God why Michael's premature birth happened to me and I hate to say it, but this 'burn' didn't completely go away for a few years. I did not experience what you have. You are so strong and such an inspiration to me. Although I am not a jealous person either, I had this overwhelming feeling of jealousy and I was ashamed of it too. You have EVERY right to feel how you feel. You are not angry at what these people have- you are trying to cope with the loss of one of your sweet angels and balance an up and down emotional journey with your sweet Chloe in the hospital. I started a blog with my third pregnancy and I swear- just writing helps me cope and also gives me something to look back on to see what I have been through. If only they had Blogs eight years ago when I was going through Michael's journey . . .
ReplyDeleteStay strong, know your feelings are real and not hateful and continue to fight for your beautiful baby girl.
I agree with Robin and Leticia. Your feelings are *your* feelings. Do not spend your time beating yourself up for having them. Good lord girl, you have been through hell and back in the last year - give yourself some time and some room to grieve. And anger is one of the stages of grief. Plus you have been focusing so much on helping Chloe get better you have put yourself aside. It will take time and it will come when you are ready. Until then, don't beat yourself up when you have those feelings. Recognize them, accept them, and move on. They are fleeting thoughs, only in the present, so move forward and things will continue to improve. But continue to write/talk about them if you feel because it can be cathartic.
ReplyDelete{{{{HUGS}}}}}
There is no rulebook on this one....and if you should be over it, then I am in trouble because it's been over 7 months and I still feel like I was punched in the stomach when I see identical twin girls. When I see a double stroller coming toward me in the street, I am embarrassed to say sometimes I cross the street. Other times I can't help but look. I think it takes years for this raw pain to go away. Give yourself a break, give yourself the right to be upset, sad, even hysterical if it happens. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Cyndi, I know what you mean. And these feelings are NORMAL. And they will be better some days and worse others. I'm still going through it almost a year later. Sometimes I'm floating along thinking I'm steady, stable and perfectly accepting and at peace about the whole thing. And then I'll be shocked when up surface some ugly, jealous, bitter feelings that weren't there just the day before. One day I'll tell you about a message board I made the mistake of spending time on...
ReplyDeleteI have moved into the multiples capital of the world, I think. My church congregation that I just moved into has at LEAST 5 sets of multiples (that I have heard of, without asking, without volunteering my own story) just that I KNOW about, and who knows how many more. One set of 8 year old identical twin girls that makes my heart race. I have never run into identical twin boys and I dread the day it happens. A lot of times I am TOTALLY ok with twins, if maybe a little wistful. Then I am blindsided by the moments of being utterly NOT ok.
Healing and grieving can be a messy business with inexplicable turns in the road and unexpected potholes. Just when you think you are "whole", a new phase of healing enters and you have to plow through that. Add on top of that the stress level of having Chloe still in the NICU, etc.... blah blah blah. No one thinks you should be over it by now. Someone once said to me "I don't think you will ever be OVER it, but with the Lord's help, you can get THROUGH this." And we will. Love and hugs.
I'm so glad you are blogging. It's wonderful to read your story and I hope it is healing and cathartic for you.
ReplyDeleteYou are handling it a lot better than I am. I get ANGRY when I see identical girls. Boys don't bother me so much, but when I see two identical girls, my heart just breaks- for me and for Ava. I have a daughter that I won't get to see grow up and a little girl who won't know her sister. IT IS NOT FAIR. I can't tell you how many times I have made plans to go and visit Zoe's memorial garden, but I never get further than packing Ava in the car seat. I never even went to her memorial service. What kind of a mother doesn't go to her own daughter's memorial service??? I guess I am tyring to let you know that whatever you are feeling is okay, there is no "right" way. I have good days and then I have days where it is all I can do to crawl out of bed. BUT I feel lucky because I know just one message board away are moms who have lost both babies, Ava helps me out a lot. Some days I just really throw myself into being a mom (not that I don't every day, but I'm sure you know what I mean) and other days I cry just looking at her because I see her sister. This is HARD, when you are pregnant, you expect to bring your little ones home, it never crosses your mind that you will be "one of those moms," I hate this club. Like you, I did EXACTLY what I was supposed to do, to the point of obbsession, why did my girls have to get sick? Why did my girl have to leave me before I got to kiss her beautiful cheeks or hear her sweet laugh? I've gotten some grief counseling and it has really helped me to accept my feelings and my hurt... now if only I could go and visit Zoe's garden, small steps :)
ReplyDeleteHugs and Prayers,
Jen
Hey girl :) Congrats on running!! Just wanted to email you as well, you're not alone feeling like this... I still deal with jealous feelings of women who didn't have c-secs & were able to nurse their babies.. Its gonna take time to heal emotionally too, don't give up! :) But you know what.. probably not much longer b/c you'll have that beautiful baby girl home to fill your day with baby firsts, and be in awe of all the changes and growing that is to come :)
ReplyDeleteYou're allowed to feel how you do, it has been a VERY stressful rollercoaster that you've been on.. I'm in awe of your positiveness that we see on here so much. Just know we're still praying for your family and checking in on you b/c we care about you guys :) Looking forward to more pics, she's a beauty!! :)
I'm so sorry Cyndi. It's normal to feel this way. If you want to talk I'm here for you. Love ya
ReplyDelete~ Great job on the running~
My goodness girl, you are HUMAN. And HONEST. There is NOTHING in the world wrong with that! I hope ya'll have a GREAT Halloween - Little Bo Peep - I gonna want to see pics! Maybe your little sheep/shoot will be eating and growing like a weed by then - we're surely praying. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteHi I just started reading your blog a couple of days ago, I saw one of your posts on the TTTS page. I was pregnant with triplets. one set of identical twin boys and one baby all on his on, this was a total spontanious suprise. my twins had ttts and both passed away at 23 weeks, I carried my little Luke til 25 weeks and 2 days. Luke was in the hospital for 98 days in the NICU. Today he is FANTASTIC no problems with eyes, lungs, brain, heart. All the stuff you are praying for all day, for chloe to be ok. the nicu is tough and takes away your emotions at times, after you bring her home is when the real emotions start. I wish you the best, your daughter is such a fighter, she has an angel with her everyday. TTTS is truly awful and you can think of all the what if's til you just scream. But think of the great joy you will have when she is home. god bless you and chloe.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading so many other TTTS mommies echo my thoughts I thought I'd just say that I can so relate!!! My first encounter was girls and their mom had lost a baby at 31 weeks...so it wasn't as hard as it could have been. The second was mono di boys and that was so hard. What made it harder was the mom said 'be glad you aren't when I asked if her boys were twins'. Boy did she feel stupid a few minutes later when I explained about my boys.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why any of us have been chosen to be a part of this club and maybe we'll never understand. My mantra since we began the journey of TTTS (which became the grief journey of Cole within 36 hours of diagnosis as we lost him that quickly) has been 'there are some things we aren't meant to understand this side of Heaven'.
It does get easier...it's been 10 months since Cole died, 8 since Cameron was born and I can now actually go up and ask someone about their twins and use it as an opportunity to educate them.
Godpeed Cynthia and keep growing Chloe
I'm sending you a big hug! I'm sorry for your bad day... i can't even imagine what that would be like... :(
ReplyDelete