Today was the girls' due date. I've been feeling some anxiety about this date for quite a long time now. Knowing that it would be strangely difficult. I had a few moments of self pity today, for sure. But it's the end of the day and I'm so thankful that it was not so bad at all. Chloe is doing really well right now and that has made all the difference to my state of mind. This is just one more small blessing I've been granted and for that I praise God.
Chloe had her second session with the speech/feeding therapist today. It went...ok. She was a bit fussy and didn't really seem to enjoy the bottle experience. I sat by and watched this woman feeding Chloe and felt some mixed emotions. Intellectually I know that Chloe needs to learn to eat from a bottle before she can go home. I can't be there for all of her feedings so she must master the bottle and I'm anxious for that to happen. Emotionally I felt a little twinge of satisfaction that Chloe didn't like the bottle the way she liked her Mommy. The feeding therapist actually doesn't want anyone else to feed Chloe with the bottle until she's satisfied that Chloe can do it and that bit of...possessiveness (?) over Chloe's feeding is the thing that I think set off my jealousy. (And jealousy is what it is if I'm being honest here.) I think it's a mother's instinct. The way Chloe looked at me when she was nursing was such a bonding moment. I really felt like her Mommy - the person who can give her that which no other person can. Of course I don't want to share that in any shape or form with some stranger.
I kind of feel sorry for the feeding therapist. I'm sure I'm not the first person to feel some irrational animosity toward her. Starting tomorrow I hope Chloe does great with the bottle. The FT said she'd try the Dr. Brown's bottles. I remember reading about those on another blog and they're supposed to simulate the breast more than traditional nipples. Fingers crossed! For tonight, though, I win! Hehe!
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I remember our due date well. I could have written that first paragraph myself, you captured my feelings so precisely.
ReplyDeleteOur feeding therapist almost got a fist in her nose a few times from this Mommy. There, feel better now? :) Oh, and PS, our OT (the food "specialist") was the ONLY person that Crew would NOT take a bottle from successfully. She almost sabotaged us there in the end. I think they overthink things sometimes. I never got around to detailing the entire experience, but rest assured that she holds a special place in the little bitter place in my heart... Dang it. I'm not helping, am I?
Sorry!! I think it's normal to feel jealous about the feeding thing and honestly, I think it's normal to have your feathers ruffled when someone says "not even mommy is allowed to feed this child a bottle. Only I can do it because I'm the expert. I will allow mommy to try it once I have declared myself satisfied by my own subjective judgment." What about that is not annoying?