Solana's had Leila on the brain a lot lately. My facebook friends might remember this conversation from a couple of weeks ago. It was the afternoon after Solana's birthday party. She and I were snuggled up on the couch watching TV. She reached over and patted my stomach and said:
"Mommy, your belly is big." Then gave an excited gasp. "Maybe Leila came back!!"
Me: "Oh Sweetie Pie. That would be wonderful. But it doesn't work that way. People don't come back after they've gone to heaven. And by the way, my belly is NOT big."
We had a little tickle war argument about whether my belly as big or not. I won. I didn't need to say anything else. She accepted that and went back to watching her show.
What amazed me was how she had worked that out. Solana had been very very excited about having twin sisters. We lost Leila when I was 23 weeks. We'd all felt her kick and she was a very real part of our family. Solana took the news hard. We told her that Leila joined the angels in Heaven and went to be with God. Solana doesn't understand the difference between body and soul. After that she thought I had only one baby in my belly. If Leila came back she would obviously return to my belly. Obvously. Kids are so amazing!
Solana loves to play pretend. We often "play family." I usually get to be the Mom. Dave is the Dad. Solana gets to be the baby, the dog, or some other character. Chloe doesn't usually play. But last night Solana wanted to be "Chloe." And you'll never guess who Chloe got to play. That's right. Chloe got to be "Leila." I couldn't very well say "no" so I went along with it. Having Solana call Chloe "Leila" was a bit disconcerting, though.
I keep Leila's last ultrasound pictures in my jewelery drawer and sometimes stop to look at them and cry a little. Or I dwell as I walk past her urn in our room and feel a bit sad sometimes. But I honestly don't look at Chloe and feel loss or sadness about Leila. I can't. Chloe is such a miracle and all I feel is gratitude and joy when I look at her (I think her struggle after birth and 5 months in the NICU might have had something to do with that). But this time was different. Hearing Solana call her "Leila" over and over.... Well, let's just say I wasn't the most interactive play-date yesterday. I kept staring at Chloe and thinking...Leila. Leila? Leila. What would you look like? How would you look different from Chloe? It was weird. But I digress.
I'm curious about Solana. She likes to tell people that she has a sister in heaven and includes Leila as part of our family but we don't really talk about Leila too much. I feel like she coped with the loss of her sister in a healthy way. But should I prompt a conversation with Solana about this renewed interest in Leila or just let her bring up her sister as she will? And what would I say if I started a conversation?
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ReplyDeleteI started following your blog when Chloe was born through Meredith Cobb. I think of you and your family often and just wanted to send blog hugs to you.
Jennifer
Lucy reacts very much like Solana. She talks about Leah occasionally. Last week when we had her memorial ceremony around the tree, Lucy was very clear that she understood that the balloons were not "really" reaching her in heaven. When she brings her up, I talk about it openly, and sometimes when she asks about death/heaven we obviously discuss Leah. Sometimes I look at Daphne and think, how insane that there was another little being who would look exactly like her. It's comforting to me that I know what Leah would have looked like as I see Daphne grow up. The joy for one and the grief for the other coexist. It's something unusual that very few of us will ever understand. Hugs to you all.
ReplyDeleteWow, that would be a little strange to imagine Crew playing the "play house" role of Dex as well. I too have a hard time wrapping my mind around Crew's face having Dex's soul and personality peering out. As far as the body and soul thing, one thing we have done is use a paper doll and with a clear plastic cut out exactly the same shape, hair and everything, to represent the spirit. Then we talk about how when we are alive on earth, our bodies and souls are together (paper doll and clear plastic piece shown together, on on top of the other) and when we die, our body remains here and our spirit goes to heaven (separating the visual aids). The visual seems to have really helped. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteSolana sounds like she's doing really well. She has two sisters that she loves so much, and who love her too. I sometimes wonder if these young ones don't have a better perspective than us old jaded fogies :)