It's interesting - this whole blogging thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm writing a simple log of Chloe's medical history. Sometimes I'm venting. Sometimes I'm figuring things out. Sometimes I'm reporting great news to our cheerleaders! Sometimes I'm begging for prayers (though not so often anymore - thank God!) And though I forget sometimes, I try and remember to share Chloe's beautiful personality.
And then there are the reader comments. Most of the time I'm reminded of all the amazing people who have never met Chloe yet love and pray for her. I hear from Moms who remember their own past experiences through my story and find comfort in knowing that they've been there.
Writing has never been my "thing." I'm more of a numbers person. One of my English teachers, I think it was maybe Mrs. Dozier my sophomore year in HS, always said to "remember your audience." Sorry Mrs. Dozier, I forgot your cardinal rule.
What I seem to have forgotten is that there are people out there who are emotionally invested here. And it makes perfect sense. If you pray for someone for four and a half months, feel joy with then, and cry for them, of course you internalize some of that. This is not the journal that I keep at the side of my bed (Duh!) I think I need to be more careful with my words. Lately, it seems as though I often open up the netbook to blog whenever I feel cranky and frustrated and I use the blog to get these feelings off my chest. Then I read my words, gain perspective, and feel much better afterwards. (The simple act of writing and reading your own words is really quite eye opening and clarifying.) Unfortunately, I don't usually go back and add postscripts to my blog.
The truth is that yes, this is all quite difficult and frustrating. But that is not the umbrella emotion under which I dwell. I have three beautiful daughters who are unique and amazing in their own ways and who remind me of how blessed I am every single day. I have a husband who loves us, is super overprotective, takes care of us, tells corney jokes, and is also amazing. Chloe is our little miracle and we're lucky to have her.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that: -I thank you sincerely and wholeheartedly for your encouragement and kind words and ask you to keep them coming! - I love that it's important to you that Chloe comes home safe and sound. -I will continue to use the blog as a sort of self-therapy AND keep in mind that I have an audience.
Love to you all!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I know first hand how therapeutic blogging can be, and yes, there are many of us who follow and lurk and pray and hope and are here for the highs and lows, even if we don't always chime in. Remember though, that you aren't here for us... We're here for you! There's inspiration in honesty and coping, even if it isn't always pretty. I find that bloggers who post on their real feelings, warts and all, are the ones I relate most to. You inspire me whether you're up or down, and it's real life!
ReplyDeleteAt any rate, know that I, and probably most of us, love you and Miss Chloe for who and where you are... Even when it's not always so pretty or poetic.
When we were in your shoes I didn't really understand that it was ok to have pity parties sometime, and it was ok to feel sorry for myself from time to time. Maybe some other women can pull of the Superwoman routine, but I couldn't. Still can't. Probably never will.
Just don't feel like you have to!
You're amazing and strong and so is Chloe, and when this is over you'll be amazed you made it through, but you will, and you'll continue to inspire us.
I know I have commented on your blog before but it has been a while. I just had my fourth baby and I usually am holding her when I read and we all know how NOT fun it is to write one-handed so sorry for not commenting earlier! My first baby came at 25 weeks (1 lb. 9 oz) and I cannot tell you how amazing it is to read your blog and feel like I am a part of your beatiful girls journey. My son is now 8 and I only wish I had a blog back them to get all of my feelings out and share it with the world. My whole family prays for Chloe at dinnertime. Michael, my micro-preemie 8 yr old feels connected and asks how she is doing all of the time. I think you are handling this so well. I actually enjoy reading your posts where you share your real true feelings, whether negative or positive. If you only shared the good stuff you might seem like the Martha Stewart of NICU experiences! You write what you are really feeling and years from now when you look back at this blog you will be happy you have an account of how you really dealt with this expereince instead of a 'sugar-coated' one. God bless you and your entire family. Reading your blog is a part of my daily routine so if you stop writing- how will I know how sweet Chloe is doing? Keep up the great work. You should feel so proud of yourself.
ReplyDelete.......read your blog and the first two comments and all I can say is, wow, deep in the heart and in this case, from the heart. And as they say in Austin.....enough said.
ReplyDeleteHug and Kisses to our Chloe, goodnight......
GP