August 23rd 2009
I spent a rough night in the hospital. They weren't kidding about the magnesium making me feel sick. I slept as much as I could but was woken regularly by the nurses who checked on me. I also spent a lot of time listening to Chloe's heartbeat on the monitors. She's always been such a mover and shaker. It didn't surprise me terribly that she managed to move around in my belly with little to no fluid in there. She moved away from the monitors every once in a while and stopped my heart in the process when her little heartbeat faded from the monitor. Fortunately, they would move the monitor around and find her snuggled up in some other corner of my belly.
Dave was at home washing sheets from the night before and getting Solana ready. My friend, Robin, picked her up and took her to their house for an overnight stay. Our dog, Bluebell, went to Matt and Dana's house. Dave made it back to the hospital some time around lunch and stayed until going to the airport go get my mom. We joked about all the hospital food I'd eat over the next few weeks and Dave becoming a single parent for a while.
At 10:41am I decided to start tracking my contractions because I could feel them now and wanted to make sure they were slowing down. They didn't.
Around 6pm they started getting a little stronger and I started getting a little nervous. The doctor checked me and I was not dilating. Very good but I really wanted those contractions to stop. Over the next three hours they continued to strengthen until I was wriggling around my bed in excrutiating pain. I couldn't get up because of my IV and my back was killing me! The doctor said I was 3cm dilated around 9pm and then 5cm around 9:30. They would take me for an emergency C-section. They were talking to me and asking me questions but I don't remember replying. I wondered why they kept coming to talk to me while I was in the middle of a contraction? Did the really expect a coherent answer? In retrospect, I think it was because I was experiencing a constant flow of contractions at that point. I agreed to something, signed something else, and they raced me into the operating room.
I won't get into too much detail but I will say that getting a C-section was a pretty traumatizing experience. I had what they call a "classical" cesarian - where they cut horizonally on my belly and vertically on my uterus. It's actually more rare and riskier for me than the typical c-section but necesarry because of Chloe's positioning. It also means no laboring in the future and no VBAC. They told me I'd feel "pressure" during the surgery. I swear I felt every touch and movement the surgeon made. It was brutal - like he was beating me up. I felt like Braveheart! After both babies were out they brought Leila to us. Dave held her and tried to show her to me but to my everlasting shame told him, "not now." The surgeon was still busy beating me up. I was writhing around in pain and just couldn't do anything more than try to keep from rolling off the table. They finally knocked me out and the anesthesiologist told Dave that I must metabolize the drugs differently than most people to be feeling the pain I was obviously feeling.
I woke up in the recovery room. Then I had Leila in my arms. She was wearing a beautiful crocheted dress, hat, and booties. She was so tiny and still. I looked at Dave and my Mom and they were both crying. I was not. I remember wondering what was wrong with me. I'd been preparing myself for this moment for a couple of weeks and really really wanted to meet her. I'd cried for her many times before but didn't feel anything with her in my arms. I know now that it must have been either shock or the drugs. After a while they took her away and wheeled me over to the NICU to see Chloe. I was trembling from the anesthesia and my vision was a little blurry but I could see her tiny little body laying in her isolette. I think the top was up. They offered to let me touch her but I was scared of rolling off the bed when I reached for her. I turned down the offer. I could hardly see straight and she was so tiny and delicate. What if I hurt her? The nurse seemed concerned at my refusal to touch her but I didn't care. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt her because someone else wanted me to touch her.
That's all I remember from the night my girls were born. It certainly was not the experience I had planned for. I was supposedto have a beautiful natural childbirth and experience all the love hormones that I didn't get to experience with Solana because of petocin and the epidural. I was going to hold my girls to my breast and Dave and Solana would be by my side. Together we would admire our beautiful new family. Instead, I had to be drugged and cut because of TTTS. And I only have one beautiful girl survivor. I can't hold her to my breast or even hold her at all. She'll endure months in the NICU before we can take her home. I'll never understand why this all happened but I'll never forget. Leila will always be a part of our family and Chloe will always be our little fighter. And Dave, Solana, and I. We'll love eachother through all of this and learn a new family dynamic that includes the NICU as our second home for the next few months.
I spent a rough night in the hospital. They weren't kidding about the magnesium making me feel sick. I slept as much as I could but was woken regularly by the nurses who checked on me. I also spent a lot of time listening to Chloe's heartbeat on the monitors. She's always been such a mover and shaker. It didn't surprise me terribly that she managed to move around in my belly with little to no fluid in there. She moved away from the monitors every once in a while and stopped my heart in the process when her little heartbeat faded from the monitor. Fortunately, they would move the monitor around and find her snuggled up in some other corner of my belly.
Dave was at home washing sheets from the night before and getting Solana ready. My friend, Robin, picked her up and took her to their house for an overnight stay. Our dog, Bluebell, went to Matt and Dana's house. Dave made it back to the hospital some time around lunch and stayed until going to the airport go get my mom. We joked about all the hospital food I'd eat over the next few weeks and Dave becoming a single parent for a while.
At 10:41am I decided to start tracking my contractions because I could feel them now and wanted to make sure they were slowing down. They didn't.
Around 6pm they started getting a little stronger and I started getting a little nervous. The doctor checked me and I was not dilating. Very good but I really wanted those contractions to stop. Over the next three hours they continued to strengthen until I was wriggling around my bed in excrutiating pain. I couldn't get up because of my IV and my back was killing me! The doctor said I was 3cm dilated around 9pm and then 5cm around 9:30. They would take me for an emergency C-section. They were talking to me and asking me questions but I don't remember replying. I wondered why they kept coming to talk to me while I was in the middle of a contraction? Did the really expect a coherent answer? In retrospect, I think it was because I was experiencing a constant flow of contractions at that point. I agreed to something, signed something else, and they raced me into the operating room.
I won't get into too much detail but I will say that getting a C-section was a pretty traumatizing experience. I had what they call a "classical" cesarian - where they cut horizonally on my belly and vertically on my uterus. It's actually more rare and riskier for me than the typical c-section but necesarry because of Chloe's positioning. It also means no laboring in the future and no VBAC. They told me I'd feel "pressure" during the surgery. I swear I felt every touch and movement the surgeon made. It was brutal - like he was beating me up. I felt like Braveheart! After both babies were out they brought Leila to us. Dave held her and tried to show her to me but to my everlasting shame told him, "not now." The surgeon was still busy beating me up. I was writhing around in pain and just couldn't do anything more than try to keep from rolling off the table. They finally knocked me out and the anesthesiologist told Dave that I must metabolize the drugs differently than most people to be feeling the pain I was obviously feeling.
I woke up in the recovery room. Then I had Leila in my arms. She was wearing a beautiful crocheted dress, hat, and booties. She was so tiny and still. I looked at Dave and my Mom and they were both crying. I was not. I remember wondering what was wrong with me. I'd been preparing myself for this moment for a couple of weeks and really really wanted to meet her. I'd cried for her many times before but didn't feel anything with her in my arms. I know now that it must have been either shock or the drugs. After a while they took her away and wheeled me over to the NICU to see Chloe. I was trembling from the anesthesia and my vision was a little blurry but I could see her tiny little body laying in her isolette. I think the top was up. They offered to let me touch her but I was scared of rolling off the bed when I reached for her. I turned down the offer. I could hardly see straight and she was so tiny and delicate. What if I hurt her? The nurse seemed concerned at my refusal to touch her but I didn't care. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt her because someone else wanted me to touch her.
That's all I remember from the night my girls were born. It certainly was not the experience I had planned for. I was supposedto have a beautiful natural childbirth and experience all the love hormones that I didn't get to experience with Solana because of petocin and the epidural. I was going to hold my girls to my breast and Dave and Solana would be by my side. Together we would admire our beautiful new family. Instead, I had to be drugged and cut because of TTTS. And I only have one beautiful girl survivor. I can't hold her to my breast or even hold her at all. She'll endure months in the NICU before we can take her home. I'll never understand why this all happened but I'll never forget. Leila will always be a part of our family and Chloe will always be our little fighter. And Dave, Solana, and I. We'll love eachother through all of this and learn a new family dynamic that includes the NICU as our second home for the next few months.
The doctor took this picture of Chloe just moments after she was born. That's Dave holding her tiny hand. She was jaundiced and extremely bruised from a rough 24 hours of contractions in no amniotic fluid.
Sigh.... what a birthing experience. I think I'll start being grateful that I was unconscious for all of my C-section. I have never considered how it might have been if we had been a little more leisurely about it and I had been awake. Mmmmm..... no thanks. You have a great attitude and you'll find your new dynamic. And I'm sure it will continue to evolve and change as this all plays out. Your family is so lucky to have you.
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