That Time Of Year

This post isn't the usual Chloe post. It's more about me and it's probably not going to be super upbeat....just to warn you.

I've followed a few micro-preemie/single-survivor-twin blogs since Chloe was born. They've been SUCH a blessing! I was armed with knowledge during Chloe's NICU stay and knew the right questions to ask and expected some things that would have otherwise surprised me. Of course, there were still plenty of shockers and plenty of times when this non-medical mom struggled to grasp exactly what was going on with Chloe's little body. And it didn't end in the NICU. There are still plenty of struggles that Chloe shares with her little buddies. I eagerly read my friends' blogs to learn new tips and techniques and understand struggles that may (or may not) be forthcoming for Chloe.

So with all this experience to guide me I knew what was coming for me. I knew this time of the year would be difficult. But I had time to prepare myself. I was rocking Chloe the first time I started traveling back to last year. And it occurred to me that my pregnancy planner was somewhere in my room or Chloe's room. (This book had a weekly planner where I kept doctor's appointments and noted any and all important information. At the beginning of the pregnancy I marked the pregnancy test date, my weight and measurements, exercise routine, diet/cravings, pregnancy symptoms, etc. Then I marked the date we found out we were having twins!, TTTS diagnosis, bedrest, Girls!, laser surgery, Leila's blood transfusion, Leila's passing.) I decided that day, sitting in the glider with Chloe snoozing in my arms, that I would NOT look for the planner. Knowing exactly what was going on last year would just be too much for me. Then I had a little conversation with Leila about how much I love her and that she should know just how much I miss her even if I don't fall into despair reminiscing last year.

I'm certain I cried more during the last two months of pregnancy than the whole rest of my life combined. Those two months were pretty much a constant flow of fear, surgery, more fear, more surgery, loss, and sorrow. Even the happy memories, like kicks and ultrasounds, bring tears. So, what happened after I made the decision to avoid the planner? I've done pretty well, I must say. I think about the planner about once a day and force the thought aside. It's easier since the only date I remember for sure is Leila's angel day. I could probably calculate the other dates but it's easy to not do that. Thank God I haven't run across that planner!

I cry periodically, yes, but that's usually brief. Last night was my first really big cry. I came across some ultrasound pictures while cleaning out Chloe's room and decided to put Leila's pictures in her memory box. I can't ever touch her memory box without opening it up and looking at the photographs we took of her or touching her little blanket and outfits that she wore in the hospital. Fortunately, the girls were asleep and Dave was home. He gives really good hugs and his heart beats loudly so I just snuggled in his chest for a while and that felt lovely.

Oooh. I know I can make it through the next month and a half without falling to pieces. I'm doing SO well! If you're so inclined please feel free to send some good energy my way. I just might find a good use for it.